MaLea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-05-06T16:44:00

2005-05-06T21:37:26Z

i used to be an open book lying in the darkest corner of all. now...now i'm a closed book with many locks on it, still lying in the darkest corner.

blacklamb456 @ 2005-05-03T20:53:00

2005-05-04T01:54:10Z

yo?! what up? yeah nmh...what am i saying there are a zillion things in/on my mind right now! and....shit...fuck...

i've lost my use of expression (ok not really) but...shit! i can't say things. i tryed to say them to marly today but i just couldn't. and i'm trying to type them but i can't...*sigh*...i can't even say what happened in marly's office today. or on the way there. i don't think i even know what i feel anymore. when i get angry or upset i get really quite and can't speak. i lose energy, and don't feel like doing anything...i don't even want to cut anymore. like yes that is a good thing, but like i'll think bout it, i just don't have an urge to cut or do anything. *Sigh* i have lost.......

*father calls* *sigh*

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-05-01T19:05:00

2005-05-02T00:14:13Z

i have a sudden craving for reginelli's bread stix. i also want ice cream. i'm kinda tired. i have to write a poem for religion...*sigh* i want to go to bares and noble. and i want to go to best buy so i can get this cd. but....

i'm sorry ros...

*sigh* later yo

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-29T17:01:00

2005-04-29T22:13:47Z

yeah so i made my box work!! yeah go me!!

anyway ...not much to update bout. michaela asked adam out. (lusher adam) uumm...

i feel nothing right now. i am gonna get my own journal. and put this all in a note book. but i may update often. i prob won't even do that for a few weeks.

uummmm i'm reading a very very good book called crank! if u r a book person like me then read it! its bout a chick that gets addicted to coke, cokain(sp), blow, crank whatever u want to call it. but anyway it is just really good so read it!

i got a 100% on an english quiz i diddn't even study for!! yey! go me! anyway..

later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-27T16:30:00

2005-04-27T21:38:59Z

hello. home from skull! man skull was really boring....ccept for sex ed. intreasting..

anyway yeah i loved rubbing the concert and stuff in to chris's face! hehe...

anyway yeah nothing much is happening now. i'm kinda tired. i think i will go take a nap...eventually.

well later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-26T22:56:00

2005-04-27T04:12:57Z

omg!!! i had soo much fun!!! eekk!!! you have no idea how happy i am!! anyway after marly i went home and then eve picked me up. we went to the hob. and it was sooo packed! i mean... anyway we all squeezed into the middle and moshed and had jus a lot of fun!! i went ppl surfing twice, so did eve!! that was a kick ass! eve and i moshed...a lot...pat and chelsea went off in the corner somewhere and yeah so eve and i stayed in the middle! we moshed soo much! anyway i got us backstage!! (thanks to my flirting skills.eek!!) i got pics of 3 hawthorne band members. and i got their autographs!!! i'm soo happy... *squeels*... unwritten law was pretty good. they wern't as cool as the other performances, tho. omg!! i love hawthorne heights!! i love them i love them i love them!!! eeekkk!!!! they are really great!! and they're nice too!!

but that place was soo packed. like if one person moved then like the whold crowd moved. you could feel the swet from other ppl. it was also really hot, but i got over it really quick...i had soooooooooooo much fun. i loved it! i can't describe how much fun i had!!

but poor christain and charles...*tear* the poor suckers wern't allowed to go....oh well i won't rub it in that bad...

anyway mommy and mikey aren't here....*sigh*...spending money at the lovely casino..*sigh* yeah i told my mommy to bring me some food, but i seceriously doubt that i'll get it. *sniffel*

but anyway i had soooo much fun!!!!!

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-25T20:05:00

2005-04-26T01:37:49Z

yo...'sup home dawgs? not mcuh here.. i just finished my religion essay!! yey!! but i still need to do more homework...*sticks tounge out*

anyway i don't know what the hell was up with that last entry. i just felt hopeful...but then again really weird things happen in my brain and to me at night, so...yeah..

but i still really want to cut!! *tear* i have jus been thinkin bout kevin and stuff like that...*sigh* i want....something...you know i was totally fine b4 guys came back in...i was fine crying over kevin...i diddn't want a guy or a relationship with one. i was fine jus doing stuff whenever...like stuff with charles or...ppl that will stay unnamed... it satisfied me, i diddn't have to worry bout them well i don't but i do... hate it!

anyway hawthorne heights (and sum 41 and unwritten law)

tomorrow!!i can't wait!! yey!! lala!!wwweee....eek!!

...........i might have freaked nate out...oh well he thinks that i like him or i think he likes me, trust me i don't like him, not my type, and i know he doesn't like me...anyway...

yeah lala i want to cut!! sooo badly!! help...

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-24T21:20:00

2005-04-25T02:34:40Z

and so she may see the light once again... or she may smile again....ok i think thats what i'm gonna name my thingy....

but anyway maybe i can quit. i don't know what happened but i feel so hopeful. i feel as if i couldn't understand why they can't see any light? my light has jus gotton soo much brighter!...but i can still want to cut...it's so addictive. i fucking hate it. but i understand. i don't know exactly what that means, but it means something to me.

i'm so filled up with emotion right now...i don't know what to do....everything is jus so....i don't know... i'm hopeful and depressed at the same time... how the hell does that happen?

fuck i don't know what the hell is going on in my fucking brain...damn...i

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-24T19:24:00

2005-04-25T00:30:59Z

yo...'sup? not much here...*sigh*

i want ice cream....from tcby(i)

i need to do homework...*major sigh* fuck social studies and religion homework...

damnit i really need to do that!

*sigh* later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-24T09:24:00

2005-04-24T14:31:24Z

yo! 'sup hommies?! yeah nothin much here. jus woke up... chillin at eve's!! yeah we haven't really done anything. we wakled around V.I.....but thats bout it..well we hung with casey.

but yeah i haven't cut in a while! go me! yeah thats one of the reasons y i came out here...

anyway i have soo many guy problems....*sigh*

well later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-22T18:56:00

2005-04-23T00:09:07Z

got off school early....slept....and then successfully did nothing...

anyway eve wrote a beautiful poem....u should go and check it out...

anyway i think i'm'na go to barnes and noble tomorrow, and i think i'm'na go and watch romeo and juliet or read it.....

later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-21T16:33:00

2005-04-21T21:41:52Z

hawthorne heights is comming this tuesday and i can't wait!! yey!! yey!! yey!! yey!! i'm so excited i jus can't hide it!!

anyway i keep thinkin about a certain people...hmm.....*sigh* one i want to jus talk to and that alone makes me happy. and then this other one jus........

anyway lala...i feel blah...

anyway pat jus came over so.....later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-20T20:29:00

2005-04-21T01:34:16Z

You will commit suicide by cutting your wrist or
some other cutting

How will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

that is how i will die...according to quizilla

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-20T18:22:00

2005-04-20T23:54:01Z

*sigh*

i want to do something bout chelsea....but i don't kno what to do....*sigh*

chelsea jus do something..... i don't want to do anything for u...o well yes i do...but u kno...and im not...i wont! that would be jus terrible! i couldn't do that to u!

aahhh!!! i don't kno what to do for a lot of things..........i have so many damn feelings...

i want......i don't really kno...a daddy?...*sigh* i kno its sad that thats what i want...but....i have this fam pic in my head. well its more ppl that i really consider my immedent family. i see mommy mikey meme and pampaw.......

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-18T20:56:00

2005-04-19T02:21:03Z

*sigh*

it's so sad...loooking at my granfather...i love him soooo much. i want him to die, but i want him to live. i feel selfish for that. but i want him to hurry up and die so he won't suffer anymore...i want him to be happy and moble. i don't want him to cause pain on my grandmother nor do i want him to be in anymore pain.

i love him sooo much...jus a few minutes ago he came back here jus to tell me that he loved me. i started crying(not in front of them tho) i kno...i'm jus breaking...but...i think i'mna cry again...ok no i'm not. he means so much to me. i want him to be happy and his suffering to end..................

*sigh* he is in a book, it's called Military Order of the Purple Heart, Membership Directory 2003.

anyway not much else is happening......

later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-18T19:18:00

2005-04-19T00:38:15Z

hello! i feel so acomplished!! hehe!!! anyway...

well it's exactly one month 'till we graduate!! yey!! but that is both good and bad. i get to deal with issues of summer, but i get to get out of st. pauls!! yey!!

anyway i really need to ask mommy bout the concert! i hope she lets me go...and i hope she lies for me and my friends. *crosses fingers and prays* i really want to go...again.

but anyway nothing much is happening now, good nor bad, so that is good.

ok so maybe i do want a realitionship. *sigh* watever but a really good one. otherwise i can jus deal without it! i can do that anyway, but u kno...

ladeda..i kinda want to go eat now but i don't feel like it.

i get to see marly tomorrow!! yey! she came back on thursday of last week...

i want to talk to mcculloch! and kevin. well i don't know bout kevin...

i want camp..i want to talk to blake...no idea y, but i really want to talk to him.. i feel soo.......uugh

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-17T17:08:00

2005-04-17T22:44:19Z

*sigh*

jus got back from eve's house! fun!! on friday we chilled with blake a bit, then he had to go. on saturday we got up really earley like 7. then we talked to blake and then we walked over to his house. we met his sister magen. she's cool. anyway we jus layed on his bed and watched mtv for a while. blake was kinda sorta cuddlein with me. he is soooo sweet. i love him. anyway later cam came over. he cut his hair! but he still looks sexy as hell. but he doesn't talk much at all. anyway eve and i think he isn't very fond of us. later we went over to cam's. he was having a crawfish boil, and he has a swimming pool. so eve and i got in and stood there. diddn't do anything. but we had fun. and i discovered that blake has a nice body.

anyway kevin is [not] leaving my mind, i think i'm finally getting over him. blake is helping with that a lot.

uumm...this time i diddn't want to leave V.I. *tear* i had to go. but in the car when mommy came to get me she started telling me bout this vacation thing. it's in june. and i wanted to cry when she started talking. she is jus purposly taking camp away from me and she wants me to jus forget bout it! i can't do that! i want to go to camp sooo badly! but i kno she wants to do things with me, but everything she wants to do is the exact oppsite of what i want to do! but i guess that is a little selfish, but every time we have done something we go somewhere that she picks! i want to go to calafornia and she wants to go to florida! the bitch!

*sigh* i like blake. he makes me happy.

this weekend is the first weekend that i haven't thought bout all my life probs. i was with my little cuddle bunny, and we had so much fun. I LOVE THAT GIRL!!! she is the best. she diddn't really get in any fights with her 'rents, and i totally forgot bout mine!! and i was happy, i was away from everthing....all the pain...and now it is slowly returning.

*sigh*

ohhh!! i get to see marly tuesday! she's back i don't have to feel weird with gale anymore. but gale is cool..

well ta

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-17T13:26:00

2005-04-17T18:31:12Z

eve looks sexy

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-16T09:47:00

2005-04-16T14:58:22Z

lala..i'm at eve's house. she is in the shower, so i decided to play on her box!

anyway i sooo diddn't realize that the cabrini play was yesterday! i'm soo pissed at myself! ggguuuuuurrrr.....i wanted to go to that thing too! and i also wanted to hang with ros, since i haven't seen her in a few weeks.

anyway i owe travie $20.....

ladeda...umm my sister is comming into town on the 29th the day after her 18th birthday!! yey!!

school is almost over!! that is both good and bad. good bc i am out of school, bad bc i have to deal with the summer issue. i want to go to cleveland soooo bad....camp...

anyway eve jus got out of the shower, sooo later

-mary/malea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-15T15:27:00

2005-04-15T20:44:23Z

ok the hawthorne heights concert (and sum 41 and unwritten law) r comming on the 26th, that is a tuesday! anyway my mommy might let me go!! but i don' t want to push it...so i'm not buggin her bout it

anyway uuummm i'm going over to eve's this weekend. uuummmm she jus went to go look/ try on a pair of shoes to go with her dress. i HATE shoe shopping so i diddn't go. anyway........

the hynes fair is this weekend!!!!

and i'm making eve go...were gonna go tomorrow!! and were gonna try and get ppl to go with us from vi! anyway i'm lookin forward to going to the fair and seeing some of my old hommies!!!!!!

anyway it's a week 'till my sissy comes into town!! and i can't wait to see her!!

anyway later

-mary/malea

man, i love CHRISTIAN!!!!!

2005-04-14T23:47:50Z

anyway pat told me something extrodinarly funny today!!!

anyway i'm physic!! i had a dream aunt flow was gonna stop by for a visit....and she did, around little recess!!! aaahhhh!!! i hate it when she comes!!!!!!!!!

anyway nothing too intreasting happened at skull today..

uuumm...the hynes fair is this weekend!!!!! yey!!! i hope eve and i can go!!! and i hope my mommy lets me go to eve's house! and i also hope she lets me go to the hawthorne heights concert!! (sum 41 and unwritten law is comming too) but anyway....

i wanna quit the band!!! damn aunt flow!! i hate her!!!!!!

anyway love u ppl!!! later

-mary/malea

I LOVE ROSALIND!!!!!!

2005-04-14T01:28:45Z

hello dears....

*sigh* last night, mommy took me to eat at shonies (the fancy restaurant..hehe) anyway on the way over she took a lot of her anger out on me. :( not cool. but anyway when we got to shonies, we diddn't really have a plesent dinner convo. she kept talking to me bout cutting and all. then she went into how horrible my dad and the rest of the ppl up there r. *sigh* anyway she wants me to talk to her! yeah i said u want me to talk to u when ur treating me like shit! (ok i diddn't say shit, but something along thoes lines). anyway the convo was really weird she wanted me to tell her y i cut on my shoulder. and i wouldn't tell her. so i got my straw out of my water and shot it at her...she did the same to me cept she had coke. but i actually hit her!! yey! but anyway i told her how much i like camp and that that is why i cut. but anyway when we got home i asked her if i could go to marly like 2 times a week. she said no. she can't get me there once a week, and she also said(first actually) "r u that fucked up?" i said no. but anyway she said that i can't handel someone that is messed up in the mind. then she was all do i need to send u to a treatment center? ladeda....if i see one more mark on ur body then u leave me no choice...

anyway when i went to bed, she wouldn't let me close my door! anyway i started crying!!! little drop of moisture anyway i hate everything!!!!!

anyway mommyis so damn stupid!!! *sigh*

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-12T16:18:00

2005-04-12T21:32:05Z

hey, jus got home from skull. i don't want to go to therapy today. marly is still out and i don't like this gale lady.

anyway u kno how my mommy saw the cut on my shoulder? yeah, well she started talkin bout it when she was takin me home. i wanted to cry. she wanted me to tell her y i did it. i can't really remember but i prob kno why i did it. i couldn't tell her that stuff. she'd get really pissed. and she isn't really supporting the whole therapy thing.

*sigh*

chase jus came over so i'm gonna go and put my maybe grad dress on and when 4:30 rolls around i'm gonna go to therapy:(

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-11T20:52:00

2005-04-12T02:33:45Z

hey 'sup hommies?? anyway ladeda...um monique and her dad took me out to eat. that was nice of them. but they overstayed their welcome when they brought me home.

uuummm i like my maybe grad dress!! i like wearing it, even tho i wasn't wearin a bra, but oh well if i pick that dress to wear then i will have to go braless...

*sigh*

yeah i like blake!! he is cool we stayed up talkin last night. i don't really remember what the hell we were talkin bout, but it was jus "normal". nothing serious. yeah then i "had" to go so i could talk to my love, eve. yeah i don't kno what the hell we were talkin bout either but we stayed up late. we do that a lot.

i love eve!!

she's the best. love her, but she's still on my shooting list!!

anyway mikey doesn't kno when to keep his mouth closed!! (neither do most guys like pat, but..) ok mikey was talkin to jimmy(moneque's dad) and he said "yeah i was takin mary to therapy" something like that, but duh!!!! i don't want ppl to kno that i go to therapy. well i really don't care if my friends kno but i don't want ppl who don't have that much to do with me to kno! u kno! but yeah mikey hasn't really gotton better. he is still smokin!! that bastard!! if he goes into sugery again then he could DIE! i don't want him to die. but if he does i'll at least kno that he's in a better place. but he still can't eat either. he is still being fed through a tube hooked up to his arm. *tear* i want him to be better

anyway *sigh* uumm..well there is not too much going on other than that

oh my mom saw my cut on my shoulder. and i don't really think my therapy is working very well. i don't see marly enuff for it to help. i'd be the same with out therapy, but i like it.

*sigh*

-Mary/MaLea

blacklamb456 @ 2005-04-10T18:23:00

2005-04-10T23:34:06Z

hey i'm trave's house. he is in the clouds. *giggles* anyway i diddn't get squat....humm *sigh* anyway i love travie.

patrick annoys me! gurrrr....he thinks i'm not good for eve...weird...but anyway.

ladeda, hmmm ros i need to hang out with u.

anyway i'm off

-Mary/MaLea